my phone cant type all the emotion im having
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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