I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
