nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
where are my eyebrows?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
