what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Are we still banned from the library?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
