My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
your like the ambassador to my penis.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
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