areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
