My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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