I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
