Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
