we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
She's not a foreskin expert like you
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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