The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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