ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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