Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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