so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
