if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Is it because I queefed?
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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