I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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