I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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