last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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