I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
