I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
