can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
