A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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