The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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