Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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