i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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