I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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