my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
