I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
