Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
