i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
