Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just high enough for therapy.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
