I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
