yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
