so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
