My liver just broke up with me...
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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