Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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