We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
