There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Omg I joined a choir last night...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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