She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Randomize
