it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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