I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
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