he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
