I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
it glows. i had to have it.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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