dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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