you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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