I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
