The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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