Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
