Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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