OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.