I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
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There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
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Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
How many fucks given?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.