two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
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We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
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And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.