dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
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there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
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he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....