I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
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when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
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Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.