i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.