Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees