You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
