Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
