I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
my liver is dry heaving
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
