I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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