Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Come share oat with me in your robe
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
