I think i sorta joined a cult last night
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
