When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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