Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I could fuck to npr.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
