how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
