Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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